Contradictions

 

One blazing hot day in April early this year, I was lounging on the courtyard steps happily sucking on ice cubes when my mother stared at me for a while and then asked “Will you ever grow up?”  Even I could tell that she wasn’t being sarcastic this time. It was an honest question asked with genuine concern. I grinned and told her it aint happening anytime soon and that she should be grateful she still has a kid around.                                   

But today I feel a thousand years old. I feel like I grew up so fast I didn’t even notice it happening. Inside I’m just so tired. Decisions that never daunted me before weigh me down now.

When I was just twelve I discovered what I wanted to do with my life. I chose my career and pursued it with a passion. Believed it was my calling. Have done okay for myself and pretty comfortable where I am. Parents, boyfriends, friends all have tried in the last 8 years to persuade me otherwise.  But I have always remained faithful to my choice. I have fought for my career while juggling my priorities.                                                                                                                                                                       

But today for the first time I’m sitting here questioning what I do.  Will I be able to look back one day and say this was my achievement and this is how it helped someone?

Last year in November a friend told me about how this girl inspires him. I laughed.  I interrogated him on what inspirations means and how it works. He explained how she makes him want to do better. But I didn’t think that was inspiration. Sounded more like motivation to me and you didn’t need another person to inspire you for that.  I swore had never been “inspired” and I didn’t believe I ever would be.                     

But today I stand inspired and wanting to do the best I possibly can. I finally feel like I have a purpose in life. I’m on fire.

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