Of Love & Logic

 

So the weekend was interesting if nothing else.

Conversation during the wee hours of Saturday revolved around relationships and expectations.

Physical appearance, age, intelligence, shared interests, conversational skills, maturity, empathy, accomplishment, religion and social stature were some of the requirements that were mentioned.

While I agreed with some of the above, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was all too rational. Based on those requirements you could get someone to fill out an application form and pre-screen them before making your choice. Somewhat like a ‘mail-order bride’.

Whatever happened to good old ‘falling’ for someone? With no rhyme or reason.

And I don’t mean physical attraction, infatuation or any other corny romantic notions.

I’m referring to feelings that develop over time. Uncalculated and natural.

What about connecting with someone so well that you can read each other’s thoughts? Knowing someone’s worst flaws but loving them anyway? Being so blissfully comfortable in their company that silence is as enjoyable as talking all night?

What about wanting someone knowing it’s all wrong? Loving someone even when rational requirements are not met?

When this happens does it matter how old they are or what their religion is or how qualified they are?

I don’t deny that these rational factors will build the right foundation for a compatible relationship. But demanding that these requirements be met, waiting for the mathematics to be right and checking them off on a mental list seems rather exhausting if not unnatural to me.

One can argue that when you find someone who fulfills all of the above, love can ‘grow’. And I believe it can. But wouldn’t that be conditional? Like an employment agreement that says “if you qualify, I will offer you remuneration with regular increments”.

Besides, in the dynamics of a long term relationship isn’t it the irrational feeling of love that helps you weather the storms and not the logical ones like social compatibility.

So call me a dreamer, but I’d rather love someone who is wrong for me than ‘settle’ for someone who is right for me.

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21 thoughts on “Of Love & Logic

  1. hmm.. i totally get what you mean…

    But it would all depend on the situation and well, the timing I guess..

    I for one am not in the mindset to answer this..:) having fallen out of an experience.. but in time to come, hopefully I’ll have a better story to tell if I decide to open up some day..:)

  2. haha well, this is actually pretty well reasoned out.. u have a point..

    yes, I’M agreeing to a post written about lurve… can u believe it… 😛

  3. everyone is not as free spirited and liberal, to take things at it comes rather than a preset list of “social requirement” to be in a relationship. I wonder what happens when the list is met today and tomorrow it changes..?!? does it change your relationship status as well??

  4. Falling in Love is wonderful, but you now on the long run that alone isn’t always enough to keep the motor running… and with time, sometimes it so happens that you tend to move in different directions….

  5. LD, soon:)

    G, thanks. and yes it is nice to see you side with love for a change:)

    lost, exactly what i mean by ‘conditional’. when conditions change the relationship suffers.

    Sigma, yup. but chances are that the motor will run longer if lubricated by love as opposed to a rational agreement.

  6. I think people are so frightened of growing old alone (because society has conditioned us to believe that being ‘alone’ is some sort of disease), that they feel ‘settling’ for someone that ticks the boxes is the safest, most convenient way to go through life. The other explanation is that when you settle down with a ‘life partner’, you don’t just choose them, you choose their family, their friends, their lifestyle…so if your ways of life aren’t compatible, there could be trouble ahead.

    I think if you’re prepared to go it alone should you not ‘fall in love’ with someone, then that’s excellent! However I feel a lot of people aren’t, and they tend to take the “well if I can’t love them, at least I can like them enough to live with them” route. At the moment I’m sticking with the former, but I guess when the biological clock starts ticking louder I might reconsider.

  7. PR, spot on. and yeah i guess it happens as you get older. but while i’m completely in favor of choosing someone ‘compatible’, it’s the order in which it happens that i have a problem with. for me feelings come first and then i will decide on compatibility. not pick someone because they meet my requirements and then try to cultivate love.

  8. “What about connecting with someone so well that you can read each other’s thoughts? Knowing someone’s worst flaws but loving them anyway? Being so blissfully comfortable in their company that silence is as enjoyable as talking all night?”

    Sigh. stop reading my mind.

    I’ve got to agree with PR. A couple of years ago I’d have staunchly stuck to “falling for the person or nothing at all” but with time I guess u re-evaluate things and probably compromise. At least that’s what I think I’d do. But then again thinking and doing are two entirely different things.

    As for “wanting someone knowing it’s all wrong? Loving someone even when rational requirements are not met?” is when a true faith and strength of character is tested. If it’s real, trust me there’s no turning back.

    Don’t think I’d want it any other way.

  9. C, well, i’m not saying that you should blindly commit just because you fall for someone. compatibility needs to be evaluated and compromises made. but what i dont get is why people commit to a relationship based on a check list and then wait for love to happen. it’s so sterile.

  10. Great points.. though my experiences make me believe otherwise. Life will be more beautiful if people were more true and love was more pure.. if people had more mutual respect and understanding without judging and comparing.. if people accepted their own flaws and admit them.. instead of fabricating a facade and many tales to take the other for a ride.. But in this day and age.. mutual trust has gone extinct like dinos.. and so is pure love. lol

    oh but I do hate the conditions and the compatibility stuff too.. but.. do we have a say when life is more complicated and fast paced unlike in the good old days.. so maybe we too have to go with the flow.. whether we like it or not.

  11. “What about connecting with someone so well that you can read each other’s thoughts?”

    And then
    “Sigh. stop reading my mind.”

    dun Dun DUNNNN!!

  12. “So call me a dreamer, but I’d rather love someone who is wrong for me than ‘settle’ for someone who is right for me.”

    Can you tell my parents that please? So they don’t think I’m mental?

  13. Like some stuff PR sed, what with da biological clock n all, tickin off the stuff on the application form in essence is actually a compatibility chart kinda thing innit? It can have non traditional items n customised if necessary too. Like even when u ‘irrationally’ fall for someone, ur actually tickin a box with da (different) criteria but eventually leadin to “this sperson is for me”.
    When u don’t have the irrational option, u need to look at other criteria dat can find u a suitable partner to ultimately produce a lil nipper to continue dis same(ish) cycle for generations

    1. checking off the list eventually is inevitable. but when your options are narrow i understand how people are willing to settle for the other criteria 🙂

  14. i could be wrong but wouldn’t the logic part have to come in if/when you’re thinking about taking it from love to marriage or moving in together? while all these theories about irrational love are well and good, but when it comes to the everyday nitty gritties i’d want someone who doesn’t drive me up the wall. ad you’d think that’s a very unromantic way to go about things (i did too sometime back) but then i saw a couple who got married based on these notions of romance, i-love-you-no-matter-what etc and now they drive each other and everyone else mad. think the trick is to find a healthy balance between the two.

    if of course, i only have to see the person every few days and not live with him, then loving someone who is wrong won’t be a problem 😀 (or is that being too cynical)

  15. PP, agreed 🙂 a healthy is balance is exactly what is required. my point was that rational stuff need come AFTER you’ve developed some feelings and not the other way around. logic and the check list must happen at some point. the question is when and do you decide eligibility purely on that.

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